Genesis

The water is like glass and a mist rises from its surface. It is still dark outside with rods of light just beginning to peak out from behind the horizon. It’s reflection broken only by the wake as the boat silently trolls forward. The eerie silence is broken by the whiz of line flying through the guides with a cast followed by a splash in the distance. I turn the handle; the hunt is on…

Codename: PainInTheBass

Hello, my name is PainInTheBass and this is my attempt to chronicle the hunt for fish in Southern Ontario. This is not a particularly difficult task as fish can be found anywhere from stormwater management ditches and ponds to well known and oft fished Ontario fisheries such as the Great Lakes, Rice Lake and Lake Simcoe. The roadblocks preventing access to the water may prove a different challenge. As girlfriends, fiancés and wives (oh my), lurk behind every corner, ready to pounce at the opportunity to steer me from the course, I must retain my focus and keep my polarized glasses covered eye on the prize. As work, weather, and other commitments allow, I break water in search of my quarry.

However, I am not alone in my hunt. I bring with me a reliable rag-tag crew of weekend warriors weathered from years of work in sales and hardened by the dark confines of office cubicles. Meek, mild mannered demeanours belie their true nature, as arm (and mind) blasting casts and jaw piercing hooksets emerge with dawning of each new weekend. Let me introduce you to the BASStards.

For your protection and theirs, you will know them by their code names only.

Codename: Sir Fusses

Sir Fusses is known for his bone crunching hooksets, often yanking panfish 10 feet into the air! He has a rod for each occasion and 2 floater occasions as well, totaling 17 rods! His knack for finding fish is unparalleled, nor is his knack for unintentional overboard excursions. He fishes with reckless abandon, and signs emails with “Kindest regards,”. He has too many weapons to choose from (17 in total), so you may identify him by the hydrostatic lifejacket. He is my second in command and my primary fishing partner.

Codename: Spam

Spam is not just your favourite luncheon meat anymore. He is a relentless fisherman who is faithful to the lures that are faithful to him. His arsenal consists of a series of lures he has dubbed his “Faithfuls” due to their knack for hooking onto something. Sometimes that something is even a fish. Stricken by narcolepsy, do not confuse him for dead because at the sign of fish he is awake with lure in the water. Tool of choice: venti crème brulee with extra foam, 12%, not 18%, extra hot with an extra cup for insulation. Mmmmm…. tasty!

Codename: Musky Hunter a.k.a. Princess of Panfish

Musky Hunter. Two words that strike fear into the little hearts of panfish everywhere! Do not be fooled by the name, panfish are her game! She rules the sunfish with an uglystick, catching them with machine like precision as I struggle to keep up with her furious pace, taking the fish off her hook and rebaiting. The “Princess of Panfish”, as she has become known, does not handle fish herself, nor does she handle live bait… or soft plastics… But, if you want panfish, just hand her a rod. Beware her mighty calculator, which she can often be seen dual wielding with shocking precision.

Codename: Duk Noonan

Duk Noonan is a sneaky angler, like a ninja, known for blinding fish (and other anglers) with his penchant for going topless, revealing his eerily pale skin, causing confusion in his prey and an uncomfortable sense of looming doom. His uncanny ability to intimidate fish may be the result of his perennial fishing partner, who we will call, codename: White Bucket. Little is known about White Bucket except for the fact that it’s presence signals the end for all things fish; big or small, White Bucket does not discriminate, and terminates with extreme prejudice. I must admit that I have never really spoken with White Bucket, and in fact, have not shared 2 words with White Bucket. I myself fear White Bucket whenever I go swimming. For obvious reasons, White Bucket will be excluded from this quest. We will not speak of White Bucket again… Without it that shall not be named, Duk Noonan has had some success, although he is not nearly as intimidating without it that shall not be named. He once caught a walleye without it that shall not be named. His favourite tool, aside from it that shall not be named is his protractor.

Codename: Sean a.k.a. Knot'Yo Cheese

Sean A.K.A. Knot’Yo Cheese is not named Sean. Codename: Sean is a master of knots, tying with precision and speed, earning him the nickname Knot’Yo Cheese. His ubiquitous knowledge of knots is surpassed only by the distance of his casts, often opting for distance in lieu of catching anything at all. With a new rod and reel, and armed with a plethora of baits, this young gun is taking aim this year. Do knot underestimate his knots. He will use any of them at anytime and without warning. Consider yourself warned.

Codename: I'll Pre-Cut You!

I’ll Pre-Cut you! is vicious when armed with a utility knife! If you are a worm, watch out! She has no qualms about pre-cutting you! Don’t be fooled by the smile, growing up on the mean streets of the M. Dot has hardened this angler, and she will stop at nothing until all of the worms are pre-cut! If she weren’t concerned with dulling her blades, she would pre-cut the worms with her razor sharp figure skates! Triple axle!

Codename: Pink Lightning

Pink Lightning is a mystery to me. She is more likely to be seen with a book than a rod. She is named for the colour of her rod and reel, inspiring thoughts of candy and flowers and bubblegum. Fancying herself a Princess, you may find her on her camping throne, complete with canopy and ottoman, or on her mattress in her tent, note I did not say AIR mattress… Believe it…

Now that you have been introduced to the BASStards you are about to enter into a journey with us to where we do not know. We ask that you fasten your seatbelts and stow your trays in the upright position. We are about to take off…